The First Days

WARNING: CONTENTS MAY BE AWESOME AND/OR INDUCE JOY-RELATED SEIZURES.

Greetings, fellow lovers of Nish, to the inaugural ‘Lost in Los Angeles’ blog entry!

Here you will find constant updates on all things ‘Nish’, as he traverses the ever-surprising world of LA, California; staying up to ridiculous hours of the morning, waking up at ridiculous hours of the morning, gorging ice cream burgers (yes, they eat them here), getting kicked off porches by Christian-hating Satanists, connecting with crazy people and hopefully not getting shot. You may be asking yourself, “What is my beloved Nish doing in America, when he should be studying in Sydney, Australia, where he belongs?!?!” Well, my dear friend, it is my pleasure to inform you that I am here for the year working as an intern at the Los Angeles Dream Centre. Seeing as my actual placement doesn’t start until Tuesday, I can’t tell you what interning here is like.

However, I can tell you what I’ve been doing for the past two days in this hectic city.

After cursing my best friend D’s shambolic incompetence for almost making me miss my boarding time, I, Nish “Mctastic’ Varatharajan, embarked Qantas Flight 11 to begin my 14 hour expedition into the United States of America. With sweat clinging to my back after literally sprinting through customs, I found my seat right up the back of the plane, amidst a group of French-Canadians from Montreal. One of them, a hilarious man named Rene, was settled right next to me, and as I looked across at him for the first time he gently smiled and, after a good five minutes of attempted conversation combined with much blank nodding from Rene, I finally realised that he spoke barely a word of English. This is what made Rene such a hilarious man. I can recall one instance, early on in the flight, where I was translating the polite banter of our ‘air hostess’ as she tried to serve him lunch. After a good five minutes of attempting to explain the concept of ‘free food’, we finally just dumped the tray on his lap in frustration and let him deal with it. Only then that did he exclaim, “Aha, free!” and place the money he had previously been trying to shove onto her food trolley onto my tray. We never figured out why, and he wouldn’t take it back, so I had to give it to UNICEF. You see? Rene was hilarious.

Finally, after 14 hours of playing connect four with the pretty brunette girl in front of me, watching ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, ‘Ghostown’ and ‘Burn After Reading’ all in a row, almost losing circulation in my legs thanks to my funky new skinny jeans and doubling up during ‘Hot Chocolate Time’, I arrived on US soil, 5 hours back in time. Then, to my dismay, the customs guy told me that I could only have 180 days on my Visa before I had to leave the country, but I, in all my manly authority, politely demanded to talk to his supervisor and preceded to convince the large, intimidating African American man to extend my Visa to 365 days. Yeh, I’m a pretty powerful dude. I worked over the US Department of Homeland Security.

As my friend Justin Mayo has just pointed out to me, you’re all probably getting bored at this point, so I shall explain my first two days in less than 265 words, using the POWER OF ABBREVIATION!

Note: Listed in order of remembrance, not necessarily in order of occurrence.

Justin picks up Nish, his guitar, suitcase and large carry bag in Mini-Cooper not designed to hold anything larger than a small Chihuahua. Nish eats lunch consisting of two tacos, grilled cheese sandwich and chicken burger. For less than $4. At some other point Nish eats another kind of burger; a burger made from two White Chocolate & Macadamia Nut Cookies with Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream in the middle (Only in America). Nish drives around Beverly Hills. Nish meets heaps and heaps of people, uses ‘Mental Picture’ technique to remember all their names. Eats ‘Breakfast for Dinner’ at his first Red Eye chillout. Goes to Angelus Temple for crazy, crazy, crazy Thursday night service. Listens to presidential candidate Mike Huckabee preach one of the most real, heartfelt words ever to come off a platform, let alone from a politician’s mouth. Fall asleep watching ‘Hitch’. Watches ‘21’. Watches ‘Swingers’. Falls asleep next to Justin, next to pool. Almost has car towed away whilst asleep next to said pool. Squeezes into back of Smartcar. Burns tongue on hot chocolate. Sees where Marilyn Munroe died, and where Michael Jackson’s ‘Thrilller’ video clip was filmed. Gets caught by Justin dancing to no music. Embarrasses self. Embarrasses self numerous times, with numerous people in numerous places. Accidently sneaks onto a tour hosted by Tommy Barnett. Nish meets other Australians, and is filled with joy upon hearing their accent. Gets a phone number. Goes on ‘Adopt-a-Block’. Hears a dude speaking Spanish really fast. Sees real LAPD cars. Sees real yellow school buses. Sees changed lives. Writes first blog on toilet.

There are heaps of things I’ve forgotten, and I may tell you someday. Though I’ll probably forget first. But for now, I’m off to play dodgeball. Ooh, and please send me more emails, I thoroughly enjoyed them all! Have fun in Australia (or wherever you are reading this from), and don’t waste a day...
Oh wow, I’m excited.

I love you all,
Nish.